i was not dropped into this forest by aliens

part one

have you ever had a moment where you feel the whole of your being kinda of tingle...but in a bad way. like your very soul is resonnating with the discord that you feel around you and in you.
i have had this feeling a few times. some stronger than others.

sunday, up and at em at 7:10, i had hit snooze a few times cause i had been up until after midnight the night before. i chilled with my friend jan. to us chillin is just being in the same room, not talking much, listening to music and doing our own things. she played video games, i worked on ads for and upcoming program for amasong. in those moments my soul resonated serenely, quietly, a quiet little hum of contentment.

my partner anne had left to spend the night at her sisters with her nieces. she asked me if i wanted to come the following day to listen to her and her sister sing at church. of course i did! any chance to hear her sing and especially with her sister. i knew it was bound to be beautiful, and not something that i would ever want to miss. (plus, i was hoping it meant i got to see the girls.)

so i was up now...getting ready...i had picked out my clothes the night before. black dress pants, very nice red dress shirt, black tie. i was fussing about the pants being tight in the wrong places. jan said i looked handsome. i was nervous because in the back of my expanse of a brain i knew that something was already being strummed out of tune.

off i went, or off we went, i should say. i dropped jan off at her house and then hit sonics for a coffee. the drive to the gillman exit was uneventful, i sang and sang and sang. i turned left from that exit, drove nearly 30 miles in the wrong direction, turned around in some place called forest and sped all the way back to watseka. miscommunication between me and the mrs.

needless to say by the time i got to the church, i was a bit frazzled. i parked and watched a couple people go in an out a side door of the church. i gauged the people traffic and decided to take my tie off. i already knew it would go far beyond their level of understanding. i got out of my car and lint rolled my pants and shirt. lots of people were wearing jeans...argh! i was told that i shouldn't just in case. and now...i am walking toward the side door wondering if when i go in i will find the sanctuary. NOPE. it is a massive church, methodist and monolithic.

i step into heat...not warmth. people just stared at me and walked right by me. i think by my face it was obvious that i was lost. i wandered upstairs...lots of people, not a single one offered a welcome or hello or can i help you...
finally i just walked into a little room where there were grown ups and said "could someone please tell me were the heck the sanctuary is?" and yes, i was a bit irritated. i felt trapped and on display. the lady said with that stacatto rhythm we all know as hesitation, "i. am. going...down. there. now....you could follow me?" and yes it was phrased as a question.
i said thank you with true sincerity. because i knew once i got to the sanctuary, i would find my real sanctuary with anne.

not ONE single greeter at the front of the church( and there were plenty) said hi, how are you, what's up, kiss my ass...nothing. but it was ok because i saw her. i walked to her, that shinning beautiful beacon. and finally standing next to her my feeling of discord lessened. i am certain that hers rose.

the pastor came and shook amy and anne's hand. welcomed anne to the church, he looked at me and turned away. not a word. i was on fire inside. then church started and i heard him speaking. the words meant nothing to me. he reminded me of a pastor i had known before.
then i felt the pin pricks in my back and the side of my head...the staring little eyes from across the aisle. i ignored them all. i mean i mentioned to anne that people were staring, but i didn't stare back.

anne and amy sang beautifully. truly. i am envious of their ability to harmonize so well. and while they sang i felt like i belonged. i didn't pay attention to the sermon, i couldn't. i wrote notes to anne and kept myself preoccupied by drawing lil pictures. but every time we sang, i sang with pride, and the music was my solace. i knew all the songs, some better than others, they totally ruined joyful joyful by making the last note on several lines end in an 8th note, it was horrible.
but i still sang it with joy. i kept wishing that the piano player would just bust it out like they do in Sister Act 2, and that i could release some serious soul into that lifeless church. but alas...

anne held my hand during parts of the sermon. considering my "welcoming" reception, i was prepared to be stared into submission or have the pew below me burst into a firery seat of flames.

i survived. not a single singe on me. but i was a bit wounded. no one said thanks for coming, i felt like they looked at me like i was a growth on anne's side. a gigantic mole that you can't help but stare at, and wish you could remove. but by the time i got to my car, the wound was beginning to heal and more scar tissue was building.

i have never had a sense of entitlement...like lots of young dykes do.
i never had that chip on my shoulder that made me what to be so distinct from the straight world. i have never wanted to be radical or mean. i could sit there in that bigotry hold my identity with pride and leave with dignity. just me going was an eye opener for them i hope. they may have thought they saw an alien, but i was born here just the same.

part two
i sing in a lesbian/feminist chorus, called Amasong. before i joined i had a conversation with a very wise woman named Jane. i told her i felt the name. Amasong: Champaign-Urbanan's Premier Lesbian/Feminist Chorus was silly and seemingly not necessary. It seemed to me that if you are a lesbian that 99% of the time if not 100, you are a feminist. And really wasn't this whole group really about the music and the community it provided for any and ALL women. Didn't putting that language in their seem exclusive and off-putting. Because Amasong clearly states ANY woman is welcome.

now i understand why the language is there. how many church choirs can i sing in? how many communities can i be part of and still have my identity intact? Amasong has and always should have the distinction of lesbian/feminist until every space, every place, is open and affirming to every person on this earth.

as an Amasinger i stand in dissonance. i stand in discord. my voice, made strong by 50 others. we who stand and sing because we must. because when we as group and individuals enter those places which do not welcome us, we have inside of us the harmony of our community. a harmony that is created by the music and energy with make with each other. it is a feeling of connection that we can carry into the darkest places, into the deepest pits. it is a human rope of 50 strong arms that tethers us back to our reality. to the reality that while we have come so far as humans, as women both straight and lesbian, that we have many steps to take. but that we do not and will not take them alone. to me amasong does not just stand for lesbian and feminist, we stand for all who are marginalized just by our very existence.

my grandmother for a long time was telling me that she would not come to our concert this december. stating that she could find no one to come with her, and she would not come alone. after a bit of prodding and poking. i got her to say "why do you have to be in a chorus that has that name? why can't you sing at a church?" i explained it to her through frustrated tears. explained how i felt as though i belonged to something that was greater than me. that i fit with this amazing group of women who create equally as amazing music. and that they share this music in spite of being marginalized and stereotyped and discriminated against. and that all the women who stand on that stage stand in union





more to come....